ESSEX-UK-L Archives

Archiver > ESSEX-UK > 2004-09 > 1094067695


From: "Bev Harsh" <>
Subject: Re: Re Essex family problems - to disclose or not?
Date: Wed, 1 Sep 2004 20:41:35 +0100
References: <6.0.1.1.2.20040901211524.02489e88@pop3.xtra.co.nz>


Hi Helen,

I feel that it is not the responsibility of the person who does the
research and draws the tree, to make sure that everyone on it who is living,
knows who their biological parents are!

As for alterations and omissions, well I would not be at all happy if I
found later that I had been trying to work from known-to-be-false or
misleading information.

Bev


> Hi Colleen,
>
> I am interested in the problem you raise in your e-mail. I came across
> this when we ran a family re-union. To many folk who came along to
> celebrate their family and to honour their forebears the family tree
posed
> real problems. The illegitimate births gave fuel to less than kind
close
> relatives, and many didn't want the situation brought out into the
> open. One teenager was going through a bad patch, psychologically, and
his
> immediate family were worried how he'd react if he saw the diagram
showing
> his birth father, rather than the step father he accepted as his own
> father. In the end I decided that the tree on the wall was to promote
> family unity - a fragile enough concept these days, and we put birth
dates
> only, and definitely no marriage dates. My conscience still twinges
about
> a few other alterations and omissions that were made!
>
> However if a person is really interested in tracing their family, to the
> extent of researching it themselves, I take the attitude that they will
> probably want to find out the truth as far as they can - don't we all?-
and
> I would put them in the way of finding out the less than palatable facts
as
> well as the good things. For instance I might suggest a reference that
> they can look up themselves, or send a photo so that they can notice for
> themselves that their relatives are short in stature - it might be a
great
> relief to them to know that this is an inherited trait if they
themselves
> or their immediate family are shorter than average. When I find out
> something completely new about my own forebears, it always seems to take
a
> long time for it to sink in, and for me to accept it and come to terms
with
> the ramifications, so I try not to provide too much contentious
information
> too quickly to people.
>
> My elderly mother has a great line of defence if I tell her things she
> doesn't want to hear. She warns me that there are a lot of malicious
> people out there who make up all sorts of things about other people and
> that I shouldn't believe them, let alone repeat anything like that! She
> just becomes more dogmatic if I argue and try and convince her that
maybe
> the Registrar of Births, Deaths and Marriages recorded the truth! I
guess
> many of us will have found instances where the official records are not
> correct anyway.
>
> I don't think knowledge such as your friend has acquired about the
goings
> on of his ancestors should be used to upset people. Anyone who really
> wants to know will seek HIM out to hear the stories. The same ancestors
> are probably remembered for many endearing traits which are not recorded
in
> the official records, and what right have we, who didn't even know them,
to
> pass judgement. The people who had to actually live with them had to
> accept them and take the good with the bad, and I think they should be
left
> with their own memories now they are elderly and frail.
>
> Helen Waugh
>

This thread: