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Archiver > ESSEX-UK > 2004-09 > 1094032995


From: John and Helen Waugh <>
Subject: Re Essex family problems - to disclose or not?
Date: Wed, 01 Sep 2004 22:03:15 +1200


Hi Colleen,

I am interested in the problem you raise in your e-mail. I came across
this when we ran a family re-union. To many folk who came along to
celebrate their family and to honour their forebears the family tree posed
real problems. The illegitimate births gave fuel to less than kind close
relatives, and many didn't want the situation brought out into the
open. One teenager was going through a bad patch, psychologically, and his
immediate family were worried how he'd react if he saw the diagram showing
his birth father, rather than the step father he accepted as his own
father. In the end I decided that the tree on the wall was to promote
family unity - a fragile enough concept these days, and we put birth dates
only, and definitely no marriage dates. My conscience still twinges about
a few other alterations and omissions that were made!

However if a person is really interested in tracing their family, to the
extent of researching it themselves, I take the attitude that they will
probably want to find out the truth as far as they can - don't we all?- and
I would put them in the way of finding out the less than palatable facts as
well as the good things. For instance I might suggest a reference that
they can look up themselves, or send a photo so that they can notice for
themselves that their relatives are short in stature - it might be a great
relief to them to know that this is an inherited trait if they themselves
or their immediate family are shorter than average. When I find out
something completely new about my own forebears, it always seems to take a
long time for it to sink in, and for me to accept it and come to terms with
the ramifications, so I try not to provide too much contentious information
too quickly to people.

My elderly mother has a great line of defence if I tell her things she
doesn't want to hear. She warns me that there are a lot of malicious
people out there who make up all sorts of things about other people and
that I shouldn't believe them, let alone repeat anything like that! She
just becomes more dogmatic if I argue and try and convince her that maybe
the Registrar of Births, Deaths and Marriages recorded the truth! I guess
many of us will have found instances where the official records are not
correct anyway.

I don't think knowledge such as your friend has acquired about the goings
on of his ancestors should be used to upset people. Anyone who really
wants to know will seek HIM out to hear the stories. The same ancestors
are probably remembered for many endearing traits which are not recorded in
the official records, and what right have we, who didn't even know them, to
pass judgement. The people who had to actually live with them had to
accept them and take the good with the bad, and I think they should be left
with their own memories now they are elderly and frail.

Helen Waugh

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