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Archiver > ESSEX-UK > 2004-09 > 1094028859


From: Adrian Gray <>
Subject: Re: Essex family problems - to disclose or not?
Date: Wed, 1 Sep 2004 09:54:19 +0100 (BST)
In-Reply-To: <016601c48ffc$3eec4a60$a8790650@packard>


Hi Colleen,

I'll reply to the list as the approach might help others... Hopefully it will help in the case
you cite, if not...

There are ALWAYS people who don't or won't want to hear about "trouble" in the family.
There's quite a bit in mine - my oh-so-respectable Granny's ancestors spent a century
telling whoppers in the name of social climbing for example. What I've found is that the
best way to avoid upset is to tell people verbally and drop hints about it. Often people will
pick up on those and want to hear more, or will promptly give you chapter and verse!
One octagenarian relation told me "Boy, you're descended from a long line of (naughty
word) artists!" when he saw what I'd written about my lot's tendency to run pubs!

I'd try to approach with as much tact as possible and an open mind about whether they
should know or not because some people would LOVE to know that oh-so-stead Uncle
Jim had fifteen children by a Jamaican mistress - or whatever - while others are happier
remembering the dear old boy who bounced them on his knee without knowing that he
was a serial philanderer. Please note that this is a fictional example and no offence is
intended to anyone!

Of course it all becomes awkward when you want to write things down...

Hope this is of use to someone!

Adrian

In message <016601c48ffc$3eec4a60$> "colleen morrison"
<> writes:
> From time to time I help with a query and discover something in the past regarding an
enquirer's direct line of ancestors that might upset the enquirer if I tell them. I don't mean
murderers, murder victims, out of wedlock births or that sort of thing, many of us have
those and don't bat an eyelid about this or even welcome the colour it gives our
research.
>
> The sort of problem I'm thinking of is that of a long line of Essex people who were very
tiny, not much more than 3' tall, I would think, if that - referred to as dwarfs at the time,
though that's not a very nice way to describe someone and its probably a discriminatory
term in Britain today. Some of this line married very tiny people too, and the trait appears
to have been a persistent one.
>
> Anyway, I usually decide that itsnot my business to point this out and say nothing. But
am I right to do so? If my ancestors had ancestors with genetic traits such as this I would
want to know, so perhaps I have no right to keep such information to myself. Saying
nothing can also make it difficult when I'm asked for copies of photographs which show
the above line by enquirers who are descended from it.
>
> A friend of mine has discovered a lot of extreme extra-marital goings on, confused
paternity and missing marriages among the one set of recent ancestors. His attitude is
that even very elderly and frail members of his family should be told the truth. I
personally would not tell them about this. What do others do in such circumstances?
>
> I should add that none of the above applies to anyone I'm helping at present or I
wouldn't post this.
>
> Colleen
>
>

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